Fool's Gold Nugget: Man Care Regimen

ZACH HIVELY

I, being a grown human man of the male gender, do not understand men. This is not an issue of language comprehension: I hear their words just fine, when they do not forget to use them. But I do not understand what makes them tick, in so very many ways.

But I do understand some few things. Among them: We do not get why man-skin should require skin care. 

In full transparency, I actually use a designated skin care product on my face. Even as I apply it, though, I do not get why. I know only that a woman I admire once asked me if I used any skin care products, and I proudly said I use sunscreen sometimes, and she buried her very soft face in her very soft hands, and later that day she texted me a photo of a skin care product and wrote, “Show the salesperson this pic. Buy this. Pretend it’s for your girlfriend if you have to. But USE IT.”

So I do, and I leave the bottle on my bathroom counter so that other people will think it makes me even sexier. 

Here is another thing I understand about men: We think leather is freaking cool. It smells good, it looks good, and if we tend to it properly, it will last the duration of our shorter life expectancies. 
​
For instance, take my leather boots. I mean, don’t take my leather boots, if you value your hide, but take them as an example. I could abuse these boots with neglect, and they would still last me many years of looking like I might do harder labor than I actually do. 

et I, being a man (regardless of how well I understand us), would prefer never to go shoe shopping again. And one of the first things I learned as a boy was how to care for my leather baseball glove. So I ordered a horsehair brush for my boots, and foaming leather cleaner for my boots, and all-natural leather conditioner for my boots (with beeswax and pine and none of those harmful artificial chemicals that would damage and age the leather). I periodically spend an hour or more cleaning and caring for them so that they maintain their luster, their suppleness, their radiance, well into my old age.

Now, if only manly men’s faces were made of essentially the same stuff as our boots and our mitts, you might get us to understand the draw of skin care.
​
You can subscribe for free to Zach's Substack to receive weekly short writings -- classic Fool's Gold columns, new poems, and random musings.