Abiquiu News
  • Home
    • News 05/02/2025
    • News 04/25/2025
    • News 04/18/2025
    • News 04/11/2025
    • News 04/04/2025
    • News 03/28/2025
    • News 03/21/2025
    • News 03/14/2025
    • News 03/07/2025
    • News 02/28/2025
    • News 02/21/2025
    • News 02/14/2025
    • News 02/07/2025
    • Criteria for Submissions
  • News and Features
  • Dining
  • Lodging
  • Arts
  • Bloom Blog
  • Activities / Classes
    • Birding
  • Tech Tips
  • Classifieds
  • Real Estate
  • Real Estate by Owner
  • Support
  • Home
    • News 05/02/2025
    • News 04/25/2025
    • News 04/18/2025
    • News 04/11/2025
    • News 04/04/2025
    • News 03/28/2025
    • News 03/21/2025
    • News 03/14/2025
    • News 03/07/2025
    • News 02/28/2025
    • News 02/21/2025
    • News 02/14/2025
    • News 02/07/2025
    • Criteria for Submissions
  • News and Features
  • Dining
  • Lodging
  • Arts
  • Bloom Blog
  • Activities / Classes
    • Birding
  • Tech Tips
  • Classifieds
  • Real Estate
  • Real Estate by Owner
  • Support

For Whom the Oil Light Flickers

5/7/2025

0 Comments

 
A Manly Humanities Man's Guide to Auto Maintenance
​
​By Zach Hively

The oil warning light came on in my girlfriend’s car the other day, and she wanted me—me!—to Do Something About It.
​
I cannot be the only English major this has happened to.
Picture
Sensing the Call to Adventure at this point in our romance, I agreed to take a look. I may have a degree in literature, but I am not otherwise an idiot. I know, deep down, that after I take a look—and if I am a very lucky man—I will get to use some of that gritty orange hand soap that smells so nice.

My struggle must not go unchronicled. Not if it can help thousands of other Manly Humanities Men—maybe even dozens of them—to get to use the gritty orange hand soap that smells so nice.

Here, in MLA style, is how I Did Something About It:


1. I read the manual. The ENTIRE manual. Because I have this affliction where I cannot see words without reading them. It’s bad. It’s how I, alone among my classmates, finished Paradise Lost.

​BONUS TIP:
Read the manual while seated in the car itself. It provides the same thrill as reading the Narnia books while visiting England.
Picture
2. I determined, using my advanced training in critical reading, that the oil warning light indicates a warning in the oil system. Probably a lack of oil pressure. This can be caused by a misalignment in one of the variables in the equation PV=nRT, which I cite at parties to prove that Manly Humanities Men pay attention in physics class too.

3. I translated this knowledge across disciplines. In humanities-speak: Check the oil, you dipstick.

4. After some setbacks in applying theoretical knowledge in a practical setting, I located the car’s engine.

5. I inspected the long flimsy metal testing rod whose name I can’t think of. This thing required graduate-level interpretation. Oil is a viscous substance that clings to long flimsy metal testing rods and leaves room for culturally filtered nuance even upon subsequent readings. But I concluded that the car did, in fact, need oil.

​6. I hoofed it to a gas station convenience store to buy some oil. I chose the gas station over the auto parts store because I felt that I, and the ascot I was wearing, would face less unfriendly criticism there.

​BONUS TIP: Turn down the offer to buy a funnel. Lie that you already have one. A Manly Humanities Man can take only so much abuse before breaking.

7. I made certain my girlfriend was watching from the window when I opened the hood in the driveway. I knew that this time, I could do so on probably the first try.

8. I poured the oil into the place I am fairly confident oil goes. I glugged only a few glugs in other places. Doing so is just fine. I mean, have you SEEN one of these engines before? Oil is EVERYWHERE in there.

9. My girlfriend made it directly to the dealership’s service center and spent $1400. I’m happy to say that nothing critical exploded or caught fire on her way there, leastwise not that she’s mentioned.

​And THAT is how I earned the privilege of using the gritty orange soap. But I made sure to leave just a bit of dark grease under my fingernails. This will help me intimidate my fellow elbow-patchers by showing them what a real Manly Humanities Man can do.
Picture
0 Comments

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Submit your ideas for local feature articles
    Profiles
    Gardening
    Recipes
    Observations
    Birding
    ​Essays
    ​Hiking

    Authors

    You!
    Regular contributors
    Sara Wright Observations
    Brian Bondy
    Hilda Joy
    Greg Lewandowski
    ​Zach Hively
    Jessica Rath
    ​AlwayzReal

    Archives

    May 2025
    April 2025
    March 2025
    February 2025
    January 2025
    December 2024
    November 2024
    October 2024
    September 2024
    August 2024
    July 2024
    June 2024
    May 2024
    April 2024
    March 2024
    February 2024
    January 2024
    December 2023
    November 2023
    October 2023
    September 2023
    August 2023
    July 2023
    June 2023
    May 2023
    April 2023
    March 2023
    February 2023
    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    September 2021
    August 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018

    Categories

    All
    AlwayzReak
    AlwayzReal
    Brian
    Felicia Fredd
    Fools Gold
    Hikes
    History
    Jessica Rath
    Observations
    Profiles
    Recipes
    Reviews
    Rocks And Fossils
    Sara Wright
    Tina Trout
    Zach Hively

    RSS Feed

affiliate_link