Sleep Lab

Testing the limits of human capabilities.
By Zach Hively

Are you a morning person or a night owl? Me, I don’t know what I am anymore. I’m whatever creature functions best for about three hours a day—from, say, just after a late breakfast until that lull just before an afternoon siesta.

During this time, I had best accomplish any and all laundry, errands, social engagements, and (time permitting) ignoring work-related emails.

Basically, I am neither an early bird nor a nighthawk. I am much more of a house pet. Not saying I could sleep fifteen or more hours a day. I’m just saying I have never truly had the chance to try. 

For the last couple decades, it sure has felt like I could use fifteen more hours of sleep. This exhaustion explains why it took so long for genius to strike, which it did recently, much like William Tell struck Newton’s apple: What if—stick with me here—I went to bed early?

Surely I would get enough sleep to wake up all on my own, no series of alarms required, in time for my leisurely breakfast. I could then give my actual best for those three hours a day. My hypothesis: I could ignore emails more effectively than ever!

The experiment is still in progress. Early results indicate, however, that I would make a most excellent house pet. No one would have to let me out for eight, eleven hours at a stretch. Because if I grant myself more time to sleep—this is empirical science, people—I will fill it.

I’m dedicated to seeing this experiment through. It might take decades of field research to pay off my sleep debt and discover what happens. In the meantime, more hours resting means fewer hours waking. The only pragmatic cuts I can make come from that so-called “productive time,” as the rest of the day literally has nothing left to cut.
​
So be it. This is why we have auto-reply; I’ll get back to you in about twenty years.

***
A quick and shameless plug: you have mere days left to pledge support to the Call Me Zach Hively Kickstarter campaign. This means it’s your last chance to get your name listed in the book.

For our dear, darling backers, we have ebooks, and print books, and exclusive hardcovers, and even private writing workshops. Heck, I will give a commencement address at any event you choose, if you pledge enough.

Most of all, this is nearly my last chance to get all sappy and thank you all for the support. Let’s see how far we can push this behemoth uphill before the campaign runs out.
Back the book now

Zach’s Substack is free. The free stuff today will remain free tomorrow. Someday, he might offer additional stuff. Zach+, as it were. You can tell Zach that you value his work by pledging a future paid subscription to additional stuff. You won't be charged unless he enables payments, and he’ll give a heads-up beforehand.