The Satisfaction of Hanging On to Absolutely Everything

By Zach Hively
With apologies to Marie Kondo

Have you ever hoarded fiendishly, only to find all too soon that your conscience or your spouse has cleared your home again and taken who-knows-what to the thrift store donation center?

If so, allow me to spill the secret of how to fill your space with items in a way that will change your life forever.

I call it: The Satisfaction of Hanging On to Absolutely Everything.
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Start by gathering everything you possess.

Then spread it throughout your space, haphazardly, entirely, in one go. If you subscribe to this practice—The HiveZac Approach™—you’ll never see your floor again, sparing you untold hours spent cleaning it.

This is your starting place: say goodbye to vacant space.

Although this method runs counter to currently popular decluttering trends, everyone who completes my universally applicable training will likely keep their house attached to the earth by sheer force of gravity—with other magical results, too.

Having dedicated more than some percentage of my week to this subject, I know that hoarding can transmogrify your existence. Filling their houses with items that spark joy (and possibly fires) touches all other facets of my acolytes’ enviable lives, such as their ability to keep a job and custody of their children.

Does it still sound too good to be truly free of Hantavirus and other rodent-borne maladies? If your idea of hoarding is collecting just one scrap each day that might be worth something, someday, in a pinch, or stuffing just one found object at a time under your bed, then you’re right—this practice won’t have much effect on your life expectancy.

However, if you dedicate yourself to The HiveZac Approach™, hoarding can have an uncatalogueable impact on your wellbeing. Not having a clue what you own or where you keep it is the truest and most powerful spirit of hoarding.

I have never read a single home or lifestyle magazine.

That’s how I’m able to tackle hoarding so seriously.

Now—in these times when everyone is determined to get rid of so much of their stuff—is the best time to begin your own life of hoarding under my tutelage.

I can give hands-on advice (with rubber gloves on) to people who find hoarding difficult, who hoard but suffer bouts of spring cleaning, or who want to hoard but don’t know how to acquire things indiscriminately.

The number of items my clients will acquire, from clothes and remnants of undergarments to other people’s photos, dried-up pens, waiting room magazines with the addresses cut out, and makeup scraps, easily surpasses health code regulations.

I do not exaggerate. I have envisioned myself assisting clients who have scored two U-Haul trucks’ worth of unwanted goods (including the trucks themselves) in a single go.
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From my meditations upon the craft of acquiring and my dreams of helping functioning humans become packrats, I can say one thing with undeserved confidence: A drastic disintegration of the open spaces in a home causes proportionately drastic changes in personal hygiene and neighborhood property values.

You may need to acquire extra storage. It will not look so pristine for long.

This practice is life-transforming.

I mean it. Here are some of the testimonials I will soon start receiving on a weekly, even monthly, basis from future former clients:

“With your help, I lost my job and found undocumented work doing something I never dreamed of doing.”

“Your course taught me to see that I need absolutely everything I can get my hands on. So what if I’m now divorced? I’m much happier this way.”

“Someone who has been stalking me for years recently contracted tetanus from my front yard.”
“I’m delighted to report that since stockpiling my property, I’ve been able to keep the meter reader from accessing my meter.”

“My dogs and I are having a great time, even though I don’t know how many dogs I have anymore.”

“I’m amazed to find that just bringing things home has changed me so much. I finally succeeded in losing twenty pounds, now that I cannot reach the kitchen.”

The results of The HiveZac Approach™ will inevitably change the future. Why? Because the ripple effect states that every action has an equal and opposite legal action.

We don’t live in a vacuum, after all. Nor do we need to use the vacuums that we have stashed around here somewhere. Even if you can’t see anything else after completing my course, you will see quite clearly that you need all that you can get in life.

This is what I call The Satisfaction of Hanging On to Absolutely Everything. By putting your house in disarray, you will see your furniture and decorations come to life. Literally, with mold and mushrooms and such.
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This—this is the satisfaction I want to share with as many people as possible.