Trashy Teleplay

An eternal melodrama in one act
​By Zach Hively

Thank you for calling your friendly neighborhood multi-state waste service conglomerate. We are happy to assist you in the most efficient way possible. What is the nature of your call?

“I need to swap out my bins.”

I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. In as few words as possible, what is the nature of your call? 

“Swap out my bins.”

I’m sorry, please try one more time. In as few words as possible, what is the nature of your call?

“Swap. Out. My bins.”

Hmm. In an attempt to emulate human compassion, I’m sorry I didn’t catch that. Here, let’s try something else. What is your service address? 

“2234 Pine Way, Aurora, Illinois.”

That was 2234 Pine Way in Aurora, Illinois. Is that correct?

“Yes.”

Based on the phone number you’re calling from, we’ve determined your address is 2234 Pine Way in Aurora, Illinois. Is that correct?

“… Yes.”

Great. Let me look up that account. Beep boop beep. I see that you have zero dollars due. Would you like to pay that now?

“No.”

Okay. Do you need to report an error in service? 

“No.”

I didn’t catch that. Do you need to report an error in service? Say “yes” if yes, “no” if--
“NO.”

Okay. Hmm. I don’t see any other available issues at 2234 Pine Way in Aurora, Illinois. If you do not schedule a bin swap to our updated waste collection bins by the date listed on your latest statement--

“THAT’S WHAT I WANT. I WANT TO REPLACE MY BINS.”

Great. Thank you for calling the dedicated number we provided for you to swap out your outdated waste collection bins. Please say your service address as printed on your latest statement. 
“Twenty-two. Thirty-four. Pine Way. Aurora. Illinois.”

Great. It appears your service address at 2234 Pine Way in Aurora, Illinois, is not eligible for our dedicated phone number provided for you to swap out your outdated waste collection bins. We will email you a link to complete this process online, at the end of which you will receive our dedicated phone number for your convenience.

[head drops audibly onto chest]
​
I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. Let’s start you over. Thank you for calling your friendly neighborhood multi-state waste service conglomerate. We are happy to assist you in the most efficient way possible. What is the nature of your call?